Due to something coming up unexpectedly, my planned exit from Facebook has been temporarily delayed and I have something important to tell you.
Today I finally got the last piece of evidence I needed to prove a theory I have long held to be true.
Aware that it would not be universally popular, over the years I have been quietly working away collecting evidence from the media, personal experience, research and observation to support my theory. However it seemed that the last piece of the jigsaw, that last final scrap of information that pulled everything together in to a coherent irrefutable statement of fact was always just tantalisingly out of reach and at times I wondered if my life’s work would ever reach a conclusion.
Today I finally got the last piece of evidence I needed to prove a theory I have long held to be true.
Aware that it would not be universally popular, over the years I have been quietly working away collecting evidence from the media, personal experience, research and observation to support my theory. However it seemed that the last piece of the jigsaw, that last final scrap of information that pulled everything together in to a coherent irrefutable statement of fact was always just tantalisingly out of reach and at times I wondered if my life’s work would ever reach a conclusion.
However today, completely unexpectedly, that last shred of evidence appeared before me, calmly smiling as if to say ‘Don’t worry, your journey is at an end. What you need is here, your mission is complete. Now go and tell everyone your message’.
I have got to know somebody who comes to the Stony Stratford market [Hi Lynda!] and I am going to make some raspberry lime jam for her. Limes aren’t always easy to get so I set off this morning on a tour of the local supermarkets looking for them. Normally I would have started at Tesco’s but for some strange reason I found myself pulling up in the car park of Waitrose.
I would like to make it very clear I am not a Waitrose regular customer. I do not have a white Range Rover Evoque or Audi TT [I have a tatty blue Land Rover Discovery], do not own a beige Labrador [I have two mental Cocker spaniels], don’t wear pastel shade sports casual clothes [it is said I make Compo out of Last of the Summer Wine look like Gok Wan] nor watch Escape to The Country or Country File [I prefer Cops and The Dog Whisperer].
Yet today I found myself in Waitrose. I found the limes and raspberries I needed but instead of getting out as soon as I could in case I was spotted by someone I knew, I found myself unable to leave. I seemed to sense Something Wonderful Was About To Happen and I was drawn to the far side of the store.
As I approached one isle I was aware of a bright light and faint angelic voices singing in the background, and I seemed to float in mid air towards the bright light.
And there it was. The final piece of evidence I needed to complete my life’s work. At first I struggled to comprehend what I could see in front of me. Was it a practical joke? Perhaps it was the effects of consuming too much North Bedfordshire Honey MKII honeycomb, although with the help of my family and carefully targeted medication, I have this mostly under control.
So finally I accepted I what I saw in front of me. The final evidence I have been searching for.
A jar of Manuka honey costing £32.
So dear Hive Huggers, although announcements will be made in all the press, Sky, BT, and all media channels later today, you can be the first to know the truth:-
As a species we are doomed.
Up to now the existence of Jeremy Kyle, Adam Sandler box sets, disinfectant’s that can’t kill 100% of all known germs and patio heaters have only indicated the truth but the fact that somebody thinks it's a good idea to charge £32 for a jar of honey and that there are people stupid enough to pay it, is the final evidence I needed.
So much is made of this horrible over priced, over hyped muck and it's magical powers that between now and our eventual demise, I intend adding a spoonful of creosote and some potting compost to my honey and selling it as Manooka honey for £20 a spoonful. In time I will receive grateful testimonials about how it has cured baldness, how the leg that fell off has miraculously regrown, how it has made Keith Lemon hilariously funny and how smearing in on the feet of a overweight asthmatic 65 year old has transformed him into a gold medal contender for the 100 meters at the Rio Olympics.
I have got to know somebody who comes to the Stony Stratford market [Hi Lynda!] and I am going to make some raspberry lime jam for her. Limes aren’t always easy to get so I set off this morning on a tour of the local supermarkets looking for them. Normally I would have started at Tesco’s but for some strange reason I found myself pulling up in the car park of Waitrose.
I would like to make it very clear I am not a Waitrose regular customer. I do not have a white Range Rover Evoque or Audi TT [I have a tatty blue Land Rover Discovery], do not own a beige Labrador [I have two mental Cocker spaniels], don’t wear pastel shade sports casual clothes [it is said I make Compo out of Last of the Summer Wine look like Gok Wan] nor watch Escape to The Country or Country File [I prefer Cops and The Dog Whisperer].
Yet today I found myself in Waitrose. I found the limes and raspberries I needed but instead of getting out as soon as I could in case I was spotted by someone I knew, I found myself unable to leave. I seemed to sense Something Wonderful Was About To Happen and I was drawn to the far side of the store.
As I approached one isle I was aware of a bright light and faint angelic voices singing in the background, and I seemed to float in mid air towards the bright light.
And there it was. The final piece of evidence I needed to complete my life’s work. At first I struggled to comprehend what I could see in front of me. Was it a practical joke? Perhaps it was the effects of consuming too much North Bedfordshire Honey MKII honeycomb, although with the help of my family and carefully targeted medication, I have this mostly under control.
So finally I accepted I what I saw in front of me. The final evidence I have been searching for.
A jar of Manuka honey costing £32.
So dear Hive Huggers, although announcements will be made in all the press, Sky, BT, and all media channels later today, you can be the first to know the truth:-
As a species we are doomed.
Up to now the existence of Jeremy Kyle, Adam Sandler box sets, disinfectant’s that can’t kill 100% of all known germs and patio heaters have only indicated the truth but the fact that somebody thinks it's a good idea to charge £32 for a jar of honey and that there are people stupid enough to pay it, is the final evidence I needed.
So much is made of this horrible over priced, over hyped muck and it's magical powers that between now and our eventual demise, I intend adding a spoonful of creosote and some potting compost to my honey and selling it as Manooka honey for £20 a spoonful. In time I will receive grateful testimonials about how it has cured baldness, how the leg that fell off has miraculously regrown, how it has made Keith Lemon hilariously funny and how smearing in on the feet of a overweight asthmatic 65 year old has transformed him into a gold medal contender for the 100 meters at the Rio Olympics.
There is evidence that Manuka honey, in a highly refined and processed state, could help with wounds, but as for anything else ‘special’, I’m afraid no.
However people will continue to pay £32 for honey despite the fact that:-
It doesn’t look, smell or taste very nice - Manuka honey has a strong flavour, which has been characterised as, "earthy, oily, herbaceous", and "florid, rich and complex". It is described by the New Zealand honey industry as having a "damp earth, heather, aromatic" aroma and a "mineral, slightly bitter" flavour. [Wikipedia] ‘damp earth’ – yummy!
It has very thixotropic properties. This means that it is gel-like in liquid form.
However people will continue to pay £32 for honey despite the fact that:-
It doesn’t look, smell or taste very nice - Manuka honey has a strong flavour, which has been characterised as, "earthy, oily, herbaceous", and "florid, rich and complex". It is described by the New Zealand honey industry as having a "damp earth, heather, aromatic" aroma and a "mineral, slightly bitter" flavour. [Wikipedia] ‘damp earth’ – yummy!
It has very thixotropic properties. This means that it is gel-like in liquid form.
As a result of this New Zealand bee keepers couldn’t give it away and used it to feed bees and add it to cattle feed as a cheap alternative to molasses, until it's ‘miracle’ properties were discovered.
There has been widespread selling of fake Manuka honey According to research by UMFHA, the main trade association of New Zealand mānuka honey producers, whereas 1,700 tons of mānuka honey are made there annually representing almost all the world's production, some 10,000 tons of produce is being sold internationally as mānuka honey, including 1,800 tons in the UK.’
The NHS say :-
'It is important to note that the honey used in the trials was filtered, medical-grade honey with all impurities removed. People should not try using honey bought from supermarkets to treat wounds at home', and
'However, one salient point missing from the news coverage of the study is that it was funded and partly carried out by a company called Comvita, which supplies medical grade honey.
'It is important to note that the honey used in the trials was filtered, medical-grade honey with all impurities removed. People should not try using honey bought from supermarkets to treat wounds at home', and
'However, one salient point missing from the news coverage of the study is that it was funded and partly carried out by a company called Comvita, which supplies medical grade honey.
Boots the chemist say:-
'Evidence is limited on whether or not manuka honey has any effect on conditions like high cholesterol, diabetes, cancer, inflammation, eye, ear, and sinus infections and gastrointestinal problems', and
'The honey used to treat wounds is a medical-grade honey. It is specially sterilised and prepared as a dressing, not just a jar from a shelf in a kitchen'.
'Evidence is limited on whether or not manuka honey has any effect on conditions like high cholesterol, diabetes, cancer, inflammation, eye, ear, and sinus infections and gastrointestinal problems', and
'The honey used to treat wounds is a medical-grade honey. It is specially sterilised and prepared as a dressing, not just a jar from a shelf in a kitchen'.
Webmd:-
'Manuka honey is also marketed for use in many other conditions. These include preventing and treating cancer, reducing high cholesterol, reducing systemic inflammation, treating diabetes, treating eye, ear, and sinus infections, treating gastrointestinal problem but the evidence is limited on whether or not manuka honey is effective for these conditions'.
'Manuka honey is also marketed for use in many other conditions. These include preventing and treating cancer, reducing high cholesterol, reducing systemic inflammation, treating diabetes, treating eye, ear, and sinus infections, treating gastrointestinal problem but the evidence is limited on whether or not manuka honey is effective for these conditions'.
It does also prove the power of the placebo effect and I wouldn’t be surprised if following a surprise reduction of the price of Manuka honey, it suddenly disappeared from the shelves of Waitrose, Holland & Barratt and the ‘my body is a temple’ health food shops and deli’s.
After all who would pay £1 a pint for a ‘miracle food’?
After all who would pay £1 a pint for a ‘miracle food’?
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