North Bedford Honey Financial Statement announced

Secret papers smuggled out of the Treasury give a fascinating insight into the operation of the Chancellor's office and the hugely complicated financial structures that govern the finances of this fine country of ours.
In classified papers it sets out the wide range of economic methodologies employed used by Chancellor George Osborne  and his expert team of bean counters to try to manage the economy and its return to a new golden era after years of recession.
On careful examination of the documents, it is clear that the key economic indicator used by Osborn and his henchmen to measure the overall state of the economy, is the financial performance of North Bedfordshire Honey [Holdings] the global honey product conglomerate based in a shed in Bedford.

In an email to Greg Hands the Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Osborne says:-
'Lets be clear about this. Much as its interesting to show how many jobs we can pretend we are making, how much cheap crap the supermarkets manage to flog and how many pairs of pants Marks and Spencer sell, we all know that what really counts is the amount of honey based products the great unwashed public consume. NBH's financial results are going to be announced shortly and if they're bad I'm screwed. And if I'm screwed, I'm taking you down with me. I'll have to take up a job on the board of a bank for half a day a week paying millions, but I really want to get rid of The Pig Head Fucker and become Prime Minister'

In a separate email to Angela Merkel, German Chancellor, Osborne said
'Hi Ange, hows tricks? Just a quickie, I know The Pig Head Fucker Prime Minister is sending you a list of things we want to stay in the EU but I would really appreciate it if you add to the list some sort of tax break thingy for NBH. I don't really understand this sort of thing but I'm sure you'll figure something out. Its important to us and they'll let you have a couple of bags of honeycomb, unofficially of course. Remember we did help to try and keep the VW thing quiet. Real shame that's gone tits up - mega bummer!!! LOL!!!
Laters fraulein.'

Therefore as Wayne Carr, CEO of North Bedfordshire [Holdings] prepared to make his financial statement in the opulent magnificence of the Press Room at Honeycomb Towers, , the financial world held its breath. It then felt a bit dizzy so slowly breathed out, had a sit down, a nice cup of tea and a biscuit, and feeling a lot better, waited for the all important news.

'Ladies, gentlemen and journalists' said Wayne.'The financial year just ended has been a difficult one. Like really difficult. Like a complete shit kicking, knee in the balls, pain in the arse difficult type of year. You can find a full financial analysis of this in the 'Why its been a a complete shit kicking, knee in the balls, pain in the arse difficult type of year' section of the Report and Accounts.
To summarise the year's performance, growth in our key honey retail markets has been slow and no amount of totally misleading advertising, dodgy accounting transactions [thanks to Google and Starbucks for their help with this] or bribes have had much effect. It certainly hasn't helped having the wrong price labels on our products at the recent Forest Centre Market.
Investment in the new honeycomb market has paid dividends although recent strikes at the honeycomb mines by workers making totally unreasonable demands like having weekends off and going home before midnight have affected production.
The fudge market remains sticky and the candle market gloomy.
Later this year we hope to roll out our new range of mead beverages and in case things don't turn out as expected, we have contingency plans to re-brand it as a disinfectant that can take care of the pesky 1% of germs nobody else seems to be able to cope with.
Therefore to cut the crap and get to the point, I am pleased to announce that NBH has made a.....'

He then proceeded to wait for ages like they do in things like Master Chef and The Great British Bake Off to try and build up the excitement, and smirking like a smirking thing, announced....

' .....profit of £128'.

another irritating pause '.......... and ', yet another irritating pause '.....63p'

Pandemonium broke out but someone managed to get him back in his seat [odd name for a journalist, Pandemonium].
In financial markets all over the world smug, silly bearded men waived phones and shouted at each other. The Honey Futures market collapsed and then immediately rocketed in value making several
silly bearded, phone waiving, shouting men very rich.The market then collapsed again. This carried on for about 15 minutes before the market settled at exactly the same point it was before the announcement.

Hyper ventilating journalists flashed the news around the worlds using equipment specially designed to flash news around the world and monkey faced irritant Andrew Marr hosted a tedious programme where people we have never heard off talked rubbish about things we weren't interested in.

Meanwhile Wayne continued....
'The coming year looks to be as much a complete shit kicking, knee in the balls, pain in the arse difficult type of year as last year and the gross income of £42 from the recent Charity Dog Show at G&M Growers is less than the estimated income stream our financial team had hoped for.
I am reluctant to make any precise predictions about the coming year as all predictions are dangerous, especially those about the future, and .....'

But Wayne's words fell on deaf ears, well actually no ears at all, as by now the press had moved on taking their ears with them and looking for something else to generate a trending Internet viral Twitter storm about.
So Wayne went home and had his tea.