Christmas

At a hastily arranged press conference in the opulent magnificence of the Press Office at Honeycomb Towers, Wayne Carr CEO of North Bedfordshire Holdings the global provider of honey based products based in a shed in Bedford, spoke to the press.

'Dear hod carriers of the Fourth Estate.
Can I firstly thank you for coming and confirm the 'eat all you like, drink all you like' event we promised you will be held in the gilded halls of the Staff Canteen at the end of this presentation.
Unfortunately Dezzie, our preferred provider of Class A and B drugs is 'having a word' with the local plod but we hope he will be here with some of his 'specials' for you before you disappear down the pub.

In our ceaseless quest to squeeze as much money as possible out  out of The Great British Public we regularly hold focus groups to hear what the punters have to say. Unfortunately most of them mumble or talk utter bollocks, so we normally decide what we want to do and then persuade the punters its what they wanted anyway. Its called marketing.
However one thing we have discovered is that there is a festival held annually every year towards the end of December and we think it gives us an synergistic opportunity to maximise our customer relationship interface through an ongoing paradigm shift and to distinctively unleash an empowered consumption scenario.

We understand part of the festival involves the purchase of a small green conifer that is kept until all the needles fall off and clogs up the vacuum cleaner. It is brightly decorated with lights that constantly flash on and off to irritate the people living opposite. Chavs also decorate their house, garden, children and car with decorations that make Disneyland look like an Amish retreat.
Excessive amounts of food and drink are consumed before everyone falls asleep with The Best of Morecombe and Wise on telly.
Apparently an elderly man in his dressing gown and wearing a beard for disguise, visits the house at night and 'empties his sack'. Why he does this or whether he cleans up afterwards is not clear.

The interesting part of this festival is the requirement to spend as much as possible on gifts that are handed around and the recipients try to look pleased.
Therefore to coincide with this event we will be  relaunching our gift pack and also selling some candles of the bloke with the sack.
To remind you, the gift pack consists of a jar of honey marmalade and a jar of honey in a nice little bag. Our focus groups tells us punters like the idea of being able to choose optional extras, rather like indicators for an Audi TT, so we will give them the option of having either a bag of fudge or a bag of honeycomb to put in the bag.
Hal Ucinate the Director for  Marketing and our best creative marketing minds have been thinking outside the box [we will be buying a new lock for the box] and they have come up with a brilliant new marketing strategy which is 'Buy one for the price of two and get the second one absolutely free!!'
Any questions?

Ed Lynenuws, religious affairs correspondent for Honeycomb Sports Illustrated asked  'Is the coke here yet?'

At which point there was a stampede to the Staff Canteen.